Spoon Fed Puppies special correspondent, Jack Schitt, has the following ground-breaking news item:
Despite reports to the contrary, especially those published in monthly scientific journal, The Monthly Scientific Journal, and websites dedicated to the subject, it has recently been discovered that God truly is not dead.
“I’ve just been really tired,” God tells me, during my exclusive interview that I was granted. We sit at a Starbucks in Heaven (yes, even Heaven has its own Starbucks – I’m not sure why. Not really a fan of the place, to be honest). I ponder beginning the interview with a question about the coffee shop, but I decide to let it slide.
Rumour has it that you died. Obviously, that’s not the case.
How do you think such rumours get started? I blame the Internet. You know, people spreading gossip all over the place. I read an article the other day where I had a quickie wedding in Vegas to Britney Spears. I mean, come on.
What makes the rumour so believable then? Fine. If you must know, I’ve just been really tired lately, okay? Been taking lots of naps, so I guess I haven’t really been showing my face around a lot.
Are you afraid that humans may view this as your being apathetic to their cause? Eh (shrugs)…Hey, toots. Will your fine ass please bring me another latte? Thanks.
What are your plans? Plans? I don’t really follow. I’m thinking about seeing that new Will Ferrell movie and then maybe trying to pick up some chicks afterwards.
I mean what your plans with humankind? Oh…uh…can I be honest with you? Sure. I don’t give a fuck. You know, I’m a tired old man. I got people constantly begging for me to do this or that or expecting me to pull them out of some hardship when they should be doing it themselves. To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t have any plans for humankind, per se. All I want is for you to leave me the fuck alone, so I can get some sleep. I’m sick of all your shit. Tell your readers that, okay? Try doing something on your own for a change. Try thinking for yourselves.
Aren’t you at all concerned with what’s happening on Earth? I mean, these people could be your future neighbors. Believe me, I run an exclusive club up here. I got that covered. And no, Ned Flanders, you’re not invited.
Okay, I’d like to thank God for taking time out of his busy day to sit down for this chat. But, there you go. Proof. God is not dead, as has been so often speculated. He’s just really tired.
–Jack Schitt
